Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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