capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
