can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
