All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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