Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
