I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
