I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
