Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
