we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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