mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
