I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
