Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he puts the penis in happiness.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
