just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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