i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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