What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
