trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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