ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
