It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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