I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
