im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
