Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
