We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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