What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
