apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
