just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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