I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize