I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
