I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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