Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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