i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Come share oat with me in your robe
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
