I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
