Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
