dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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