we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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