Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
