Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
