I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
