meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
