I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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