I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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