I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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