I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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