this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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