my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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