I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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