Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Pooping to opera.
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