I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
