hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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