This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
