guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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