Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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