im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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