I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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