Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize