She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
